It’s been a while. 5 years, to be precise.
What a lifetime has transpired in those five years.
I’m trying to find some things that I love again for just loving them–not for “work.” And the thing I miss most (surprisingly, maybe) is writing.
It occurred to me that I’ve been paying for hosting fees and this domain name for five years now because I can’t bear to take it down. It’s the closest thing to a baby book that Hudson has coming!
So here I am, writing tonight just for the sake of writing.
What would I tell a friend who I haven’t seen in five years?
Considering this blog, prior to today, was pretty much a pregnancy/new motherhood blog (or basically an extensive ode to Hudson William Bean)… let’s start there.
I have two beautiful, magical, exhausting boys. They are both Leos, my fiery August babies through and through. They both live life BIG and I know all parents must think this, but I can’t wait to see the many ways those two will conquer the world.
Hudson is 5 and a half now–he’ll be very quick to tell you the half part. H is a study in contradictions: he’s an old soul who sometimes takes my breath away with the wisdom of his questions.
He’s also a total BOY who lives for pushing the envelope with fart jokes and butt talk these days. He loves music but it has to be intense, “tough” sounding music or he’s not interested. No slow songs here. He’ll still talk to everyone he comes across, like it or not (most love it.)
He loves to do ninja moves and cut out beautiful art creations with scissors and tape every day.
He is, annoyingly, obsessed with his iPad (though of course there are really only two people to blame for this and Hudson is not one of them.) His biggest joy is when J or I will play Roblox on our OWN device and come find him in the game. This is unfortunately NO ONE else’s joy.
Hudson is so tall and lanky and strong. Always moving, always jumping, always running, always, always, always talking.
He pops awake at 5am every day, on the floor next to my bed where he crept in the night before, and just cannot find it in himself to be quiet no matter how much we beg.
Hudson is entranced by his big strong daddy. “My DAD!” He is so proud of his dad and they have developed their own little rituals and sayings and routines, especially walking to school together. “Dude!” says Hudson, constantly.
He still LOVES his mama but this year we’ve seen him grow in so much confidence and independence. I feel, achingly, how he’s growing up and away, day by day, exactly as he should. No less heartbreaking.
And then there’s my other boy.
Callan Howard, our blue eyed baby. Callan is 2 and a half and a giant in his own right. It’s so hard with the second not to compare him to the first, especially when it’s two boys–two August boys!
But Cal has shown that he is his own person; very capable of standing up to his big brother, and all of us for that matter. Like all toddlers, he has a naughty side–but we suspect that his temper and mischievous nature might be here to stay.
Right now, he giggles constantly and it’s the most magical sound; almost surreal or like a movie clip of a child giggling.
Since birth, he’s sucked the first two fingers on his left hand, and almost since then he has been attached to his “guys”–his lion lovies and a bunny lovie. (“Guyth” he says in his adorable little lispy voice.)
Callan loves trucks (truckth!) and excavators (exthca-vaduth!) and will watch them on repeat on YouTube for… well, ever. He wouldn’t sit still for the first two years of his life and truck videos on YouTube are the only thing that we have found that will do it.
He’s very independent, totally content to play by himself (and I will always wonder if that’s a case of nature or nurture at work.) He drags stools over to various surfaces of the house to climb up to counters or shelves that he can’t reach but is determined to scale.
He’s BIG, so big–he looks like he’s 4 and isn’t much smaller than H, who is plenty big on his own. I want to put a sign on him: he’s only 2! So that people give him extra grace when his young age comes out and he body checks a little girl on the playground, for example. Purely an example of course.
Callan, and Hudson, for that matter, love their babysitter Caro (“Ca-wo.”) so much. And also just like his brother, he loves his Mimi and Papa and is becoming every bit the mamas boy that Hudson was at this age, sobbing if I dare go downstairs without him. My little blonde shadow. He gives Jason a hard time, also on par with Hudson’s performance at this age, but as soon as J leaves: “Way-er daddy go. I want dada.”
In just the last few months, Hudson and Cal have developed a real bond–likely because Callan’s communication abilities have improved so much. They fight, mostly because Callan loves to knock over Hudson’s creations and loves Hudson’s toys the most; but Hudson is–all things considered–pretty amazingly patient with him.
Except that time he bit him, but I’ll focus on the positive here.
Like how they snuggle together on the couch, or build towers side by side.
In those moments I look at their little heads and realize that while these have been hard years that have stretched me–and many of us, of course–to points that felt close to breaking… I am so blessed.
I’ll sign off here, I think. I’m glad to find that I have not lost my talent for verbosity in my time away. An hour has slipped by and it felt like a blink.
I have so much more to say: on work, on moving, on the pandemic, on the future, on the past. On our DOG! We are a party of six now. Life is beautiful and messy and writing it down feels good. Without a goal, without any “business” attached to it. Just writing.