I have to admit I find it far easier to write about how it’s going with Hudson’s eating or sleeping than to try to organize my thoughts around recovery, the emotional rollercoaster that is new mama-hood, and what life is like with Hudson here and such a huge part of it.

But let’s give it a shot, shall we?

I had such a surprisingly positive delivery experience, I was on total cloud nine after the delivery. (And I’m sure the drugs and adrenaline had a ton to do with that.) I remember thinking, “Infant? I got this!” and even telling my mom as much. I also remember her laughing nervously and telling me to take it one day at a time, sweetie! As always, mom was right. (When does that kick in, by the way?)

Child birth and raising a newborn can be simultaneously great experiences and very, very hard. Even if things go far better than hoped. There’s been quite a few times that I’ve been totally baffled for feeling exhausted or overwhelmed when my delivery was SO positive and Hudson is SUCH a good baby. Thankfully, my ever-wise husband continues his role as saint and husband/father of the year, and steps in to remind me of the enormity of what’s been happening in the last 30 days or so.

Becoming a mom

Jason and I were so excited to welcome our little guy into the world, and I knew I’d love him — but oh man, I just had no idea how all-encompassing that love is. I can’t believe I’ve spent a month with a tiny human basically attached to me! Every day he wakes up and I am in total disbelief that he continues to get cuter overnight, every night. I notice the tiniest changes in him, like his hair growing, his eyelashes darkening and new rolls everywhere (but pretty sure everyone can see those!) I love his funny little grunts and snorts and every day I die a little bit over seeing his smile appear more and more often. It’s reflex based at the moment, I know! But the day that he points that smile my way is going to be the best day ever.

At the end of my pregnancy, I was really worried about the baby blues and the possibility of postpartum depression but I’m happy to report neither really took hold. And like I mentioned above, it’s not easy and there are definitely moments where I feel overwhelmed by everything, but I’ve never been happier. I wondered if I’d feel like I’d “lost” the old me when I became a mom, but on the contrary, I feel like Hudson’s just added more to my life, rather than taking anything away. Travel, regular date nights, etc… I know all of that will return soon enough. For now, I’m happy playing homebody with my little buddy.

Somewhere around day 4 or 5 after I got out of the hospital, I took a walk solo while Jason held down the fort during one of Hudson’s naps. I walked down to a park bench at the edge of Lake Michigan where I used to go and sit while I was pregnant to take a breather and enjoy the quiet of the park and the water. I sat there and cried my eyes out in gratitude— I love my son, my husband, this beautiful city, and even (especially!) my poor, neglected kitty boy. I am so lucky.

The physical recovery

As a definitively non-sporty kid (yearbook camp, anyone?), I’ve never thought of myself as particularly active, but I’ve realized in the last month how much physical activity plays a part in my day to day life and mood. My regular workouts stopped in the third trimester (and if I’m being honest, weren’t really much to brag about in the first or second trimester, either) but up until the day before I went into labor, I was walking miles every day. Walking plays such a huge part of my life here in the city, and I remember being so excited that Hudson would be born in the summer so I could take him for long, leisurely walks along the lake front.

Well, I did take a few long, leisurely walks in the first week and those walks majorly set me back in the long run. I placed a slightly panicky call to the doctor asking if I needed to be concerned with a serious regression of postpartum recovery symptoms. I was promptly given a prescription and told to sit down, lay down whenever possible, and in general just rest and focus on my recovery. (Coincidentally the same thing my husband had been saying all week…)

Accepting my physical limitations, especially when I thought I WAS taking it easy, was a surprisingly tough pill for me to swallow. But it’s been without question that whenever I push myself too far — I stood up in a friends wedding at 2 weeks PP, for example… ceremony only! — I’ve ended up in pain and exhausted.

So, I’ve limited walking to necessity-only trips to Whole Foods or Target, or very short walks around the neighborhood (less than 20 minutes) to start building up my strength again. I wish I could say I appreciated the life lesson to slow down a little bit, but in all honesty I am totally counting the days until I’m 100%. And farther down the line, but even more exciting, is the prospect of a good workout. I will never again take for granted the beautiful thing that is an endorphin rush.

My husband, the superhero

Similarly to how I feel about Hudson, I knew my husband was going to be a great dad, but I had no idea how much more I could love HIM in his role as a new father. Seeing J with his mini-me is the cutest. And he’s so, so great with taking care of him — better than I am, if I’m being honest! He’s far more patient and calm than I am, two traits that are pretty clutch in the baby business.

Early on, we instituted daily “dad bottles,” where J gives Hudson a bottle at the end of the night so I can take a little break to read, go for a walk, or crash early. Recently, we’ve tacked bath time on to that as their own thing. And on the weekends or weekdays when he doesn’t have early meetings, Jason will take a very late or very early feeding to allow me a longer stretch of sleep.

He and Hudson have had two full-on “dad days” — just the two of them. And while it’s great for their bonding, it’s also amazing for my sanity to step away for a little bit and remember what it’s like to be me. Once was for my friend’s wedding, and hanging with my girlfriends was such an awesome way to recharge after the very first few weeks. And more recently, I had a (very overdue!) hair appointment that I extended into a day of a little shopping and a solo lunch. Getting away for more than an hour or two is not easy and I literally packed up my pump and hauled it around with me both times! But it’s worth the effort, and seeing the pictures of the two of them together makes my heart melt.

Dads catch a lot of flack when a new baby shows up. There’s a lot of easy jokes to make at the expense of the dad about the mom doing all of the work, etc. — and I’m sure there are relationships where the effort put forth is greater by one partner than the other in the child-rearing biz. But J and I make a great team, and I never want to take for granted how positively that impacts my recovery, my emotional health, and most importantly, Hudson’s upbringing.

Whew. So the gist of it, one month in to motherhood: I’m exceptionally lucky and grateful every day. I’ll sleep a full night again someday soon enough. Until then, I’m just trying to slow down and soak up these fleeting days that are flying by faster than I can blink.